Ten Lies I Have Told My Wife

When you've been with the same woman for over 22 years, like me; there have been times when you have lied to her. I submit to you ten lies I have told my wife and the truth behind them.

Number ten: "Honest honey, that's the way my family greets all of our Arkansas cousins." She caught me with my tongue down some young blonde tramps throat.
"But I'm from California." *giggle* the dumb blonde says.

Number nine: "We went out to eat after playing darts and I left my phone in the car; that's why I didn't answer your call." My dart buddies and I took a road trip down the back-roads of Okmulgee and McIntosh Counties, getting drunk off our asses. I didn't answer the phone because Floyd was singing too loud for me to hear the damn thing going off.

Number eight: "No, I wasn't flirting with her. We were talking about football" We were discussing how hot she looked in those shorts and tank top.

Number seven: "Todd invited me out after work to a party at his friends house. I didn't know that there would be girls there." Todd tells me at work:
"Man, you gotta' come to this party tonight. There's gonna' be some fine-ass women there!"

Number six: "I had a flat, so Dean brought me home when he closed the bar." I was too wasted to drive home. Dean found me asleep in my car, woke me and took me to my house.

Number five: "It looked flat in the dark!" See above.

Number four: "I was just helping to position her properly for throwing darts." Yeah, I was grabbing some chicks butt while she was throwing a dart. In all fairness; she had been grabbing mine while I was trying to throw, too.

Number three: "Shelly? Oh, she's just an old friend from school. It's not like we ever went out or anything." Shelly had jumped up and given me a big hug at a football game, telling me of her recent divorce. In high school, I was Shelly's first......

Number two: "I'm just going to stop and have one beer." She should know better than that by now.

Number one: "Blog Groupies? Pictures in my e-mail? I don't have a clue what you're talking about, dear."

10 Odd Facts About Me

10: I wear shorts, year round. If its above freezing; I'm usually wearing a pair of shorts.

9: I rarely wear a tie; but at one point in my life had a collection of over 100 fine silk ties in my closet.

8: If I'm not wearing shorts; I'm in blue jeans. I am very anal about my jeans. I only wear Levis 501's. No Wrangler, Bugle Boy or whatever. Only Levis. Only 501's.

7: I'm a gambler who will bet on the outcome of most anything; but I do not play slot machines or the lottery.

6: I'm a very spontaneous person. I've been known to wake up and drive halfway across the country to see something or someone, on a whim.

5: I was personally invited to both of the Bush/Cheney Inaugural Balls. Why is this strange? I am not a registered Republican and I made no donations to either campaign.

4: I have a degree in political science, but hate discussing politics. My views are extreme enough in both directions, depending on the issue, to make members of both parties squirm.

3: I hate funerals, but have my own planned.

2: I am very much into freedom of expression; but run a very disciplined household. My boys have been given the freedom to explore their own ideals and beliefs; but are amongst the most polite, well-behaved young men you'll ever meet.

1: I go commando in public.

Eating Alta Fern

To tell you the truth; after Tam and I were married my mother-in-law, Alta, rarely cooked. But, when we were dating I ate her cooking. Oh, God! *hacking.....choking* I ate her cooking! Maybe it's best to start from the beginning.

I was born a poor black child........... (well, maybe not that far back).

My wife and I were introduced by a preacher (yes, I was raised going to church) *reader faints*, who was a mutual friend of both of our families. He had tried to get me to come and meet her for two years before I finally made the journey.

Tam's parents, Elmer and Alta Fern (stop laughing; that's their real names), were older so naturally our first date began at church one Sunday morning. After the last amen, I jumped astride my motorcycle and followed her family down the back-roads of two (almost ventured into three) counties to their house for lunch. At one point during this odyssey, near the Caney River, I could have sworn that I heard "Dueling Banjos" playing in the nearby woods.

*"I'm gonna' make you squeal like a pig, boy!"*

Tam and I had actually met the week before and had talked a couple of times on the phone before this first "date". She asked me what I liked to eat so that her mom could make me something "special" for Sunday. At that point in my life, I would eat nearly anything except tuna casseroles and fried chicken.
(I know. Southern boy that doesn't eat fried chicken? If you ate as much of it as I did growing up on the farm; you would have been burnt out, too!)

So, for my first meal with her daughter, Alta prepares me some sort of tuna spaghetti casserole. A nasty, odorous, foul-tasting concoction that I ate every bite of with a smile on my face. From that point on, while Tam and I were dating, every meal at their house was either fried chicken or a tuna casserole; always.

For some reason, Elmer trusted me with his daughter (BIG mistake). He even extended her curfew an extra hour when we started dating (BIGGER mistake). This extra hour gave us time, on the return trip from the movies in Tulsa, to find a secluded spot on a dark Washington County road to get to know each other a little better.

This always made eating Alta's cooking bearable. She would sit across the table from me and stare me down to make sure that I ate every bite; hoping to catch a cough, a wince or other disapproving gesture. I ate whatever was put on my plate quickly, smiling the whole time; thinking of the moves I would be putting on Tam later that evening.

Once we were married, Alta quit cooking for me. When we did share a meal it was usually at a restaurant or, on occasion, I would burn some old dead cow on the grill in her back yard. But I will never forget the hell that she put me through with her cooking, while dating Tam.

I suppose, in conclusion, there are only two reason that I ever ate my mother-in-law's cooking: lust and love. In the beginning; it was the lust that every young man feels when they start dating someone new. In the end; it was the love for the woman who became my wife.

Alta has passed on now; which for me is a relief. If I had ever decided to divorce her daughter; she may have tried to start cooking for me again!

Just Who Do You Think I Am?

Some people think they know you. You just met them five minutes ago; yet they can tell everything about you. Hell, they know you better than you know yourself.

For example: I'm in the old waterin' hole one night when a group of people come through the door. A couple of them are regulars (and dart players) and one is a former beertender there that I had only seen twice before and said about six words to ever. "Get me a Bud." and "Another here." I think, before shift change brought in a different waitress. When she comes in she says: "Oh, there's Gary!" (I couldn't even remember her name) and proceeds to stagger over to where I am seated and give me a hug. Being the polite asshole I am; I said hi to her and then turned my back to her and began talking with someone else. She then plops down beside me and starts in on me about how great a guy I am and that I really should come over to the other side of the bar and play darts with them. Her first mistake is: Neither of the guys she came in with wanted me to come over and play darts because they can't beat me and they know it. Secondly, I am not too keen on being touched by strangers (unless I am paying them to touch me .......... [I like a good massage, once in a while]). I am definitely not a hugger of them. Third. The crap compliments she was spewing my way, made the friend, who was with me, almost fall off his bar stool laughing! Anyone who really knew me, probably, wouldn't be complimenting me (perfectionist/superiority complex) about how nice and great a guy I am. I am a superior asshole (see previous posts if you don't understand).

While I am a nice guy on here; I'm sure that most of you would not like me too well in person. I just have a way of pissing most people off. I know this was her lame attempt at flirting. Which, if she really knew me, wouldn't have been happening either! I've been with the same woman for 22 years and ain't planning on leaving her, just yet. What's that song by Robert Earl Keene? "Rich, Young, Dumb Nymphomaniac" She probably qualifies on the last 3 parts of the title, but not the first. But who am I to say. I DON'T REALLY KNOW HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!